Becoming Sara

I spent many years with a skewed perception of control. I understood the concept of letting go of what wasn’t in my control, but struggled with putting it into practice. I had a lot of excuses and had become very skilled at lying to myself.

The majority of my energy was wasted trying to control what I had no real control over. I thought if I did or said the right things I could change my partner. I accepted verbal and physical abuse because I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought I could “fix” my disabled son if I chose the right therapy. I worried about everything.

Conversely, I didn’t take responsibility for things in my control. I had low self esteem and a victim mentality. I stayed in bad relationships because I didn’t think I could do better. My weight was out of control. I dismissed the idea of spending time on myself because I thought I needed to spend that time taking care of/impressing others in order to be accepted.

Looking  back it seems so obvious. But when you are in that mindset and your inner voice is telling you its easier to accept the bad than to face the unknown, you believe it. It wasn’t until I started to understand why I held those beliefs about myself that I could start to make a change. That voice was coming from a place of fear. Fear that I wasn’t good enough or smart enough to make a change.

Today, when I find myself feeling anxious or worried, I ask myself if it is something in my control. The majority of the time the answer is no. When the answer is yes, the next question is, am I going to do something about it. It’s either a priority or its not, worrying doesn’t change anything. I notice I’m having this conversation with myself less and less often. It truly is a matter of practice.

I believe daily meditation has helped me become more aware of my own thoughts. You can’t make a change unless you recognize you have a problem. In the past my mind would run away with worrisome thoughts. Now, when I catch myself heading down that path I am quick to remind myself that I am wasting my energy and should refocus that on doing something that will add value to my life.