Growing up I was always very unsure of myself. I was shy and didn’t have a lot of friends. I quickly learned to adapt my “opinion” to agree with that of others. It was one of the easiest ways to get and keep friends. I had no idea this was going to become my standard operationing procedure until just last year.
Why, at almost 40, did I suddenly realize this? It started with my divorce. All of a sudden I was alone. I had a couple of close friends and all of my family was hours away. I had never spent much time truly alone… ever. I was a relationship addict. I never ended a relationship with out having another queued up ever since the 8th grade.
The first year after my divorce, while the kids were at their dad’s house, I always found something to do. I never stayed home. I couldn’t handle being alone, the silence. Then I decided to start dating. Online dating instantly filled that void of loneliness. Even from my couch I could start up a conversation with any number of men instantly. I spent the second year after my divorce dating… a lot. As that year went on, I noticed I was more and more unhappy. Why? I was out “having fun” on my kid-free days. I had the best of both worlds, right?
I started digging deep and doing some soul searching. I began to realize I didn’t want to be alone because I had no idea who I was when I was alone. And the little bit I knew about myself I wasn’t sure I liked. It’s a crazy thing to think about. At 39 years old I had no clue who I really was. It was scary, depressing, embarrassing and overwhelming.
So, late 2015 I started this journey. A journey to figure out who I am. It has been a roller coaster of emotions. I’m striving to learn to love myself, take care of myself, simplify my life. It has been close to a year and I’m still trying to figure out how to battle the loneliness. I discussed this struggle with my aunt (my guiding light through this process). She suggested using the time I feel lonely to help others. It made perfect sense.
I’m an extremely open person and most of this journey has been shared with friends and family via Facebook. I sometimes get messages from other women saying what I said or did inspired them. So, I decided this blog could be my way to help others. Being a full-time working, divorced mom I don’t have much time to commit to volunteer work. This blog allows me flexibility and I get to share this process I’m so passionate about. I want women to know they aren’t alone in trying to figure all of this out as an adult. It’s hard, but it’s worth it.